primitive pain

I know I've been gone for AGES..
It seems like blogs are only done on sober days of alchoholic phases...

When love no.2 declared his arrival-I bitched at the thought to EVERYBODY...
BECAUSE I didnt want to feel again-I cant deal with feeling connected to ANYONE again-especially those who have to disappear from my life...

The super painful thing though is that its fun yet judgmental....though not judgmental to the other chics..the amount he criticizes me to my face makes me very insecure about all that is said behind my back...n I am also feeling desire..

BUT THIS YEAR he is TOTALLY not getting itt!

SO i feel foolish
ON TOP OF IT ALL...

MISERABLE IN FUN...SUX!