Instead of being introduced to your world as your past, I would rather stay in obscurity...

I behaved like 'those chics' today.

Throughout my now TECHNICALLY bygone relationship, I felt like a compartmentalized part of my man's life. It never occurred to him to mix our world with other parts of his life, THAT he seemed to be 'saving' for marriage.

We have stopped seeing each other now, because he was miserable together. What caused the misery, is still blurry in my head, I did my best. My best fell so sooo soooo short.

Now, still grappling with 'friendship' the ex makes plans in which I collide with the rest of his world BUT Instead of being introduced to your world as your past I would rather stay in obscurity...

Blundered Chronology

I realised I love him. He doesn't know. Now he needs time.

Champness NOT

Dumped!

It's all BBC, but it happened!

I am forcing man to chill with friends.
I feel so happy at first...then I hate it.
I will stop:-(

HOW & WHY!?!

I was utopic. EVERYTHING was perfect. Machine-like, controlled but with pleasant surprises.
BOTH wanted, desired, experimented. Risked. Got caught, carried on.

Felt HOT, smelled HOT, looked HOT. WERE HOT.

...AND THEN it all fell apart. ONE night, after the perfect day.

Resuming is impossible. It is not just the cause for the tumble, but everything associated to it.
The way parts fell apart. The way parts were gathered, or not gathered at all.
Doing my duty and then waiting and waiting.

DISCOVERING the REAL impression he had of me before the magic started.
The awkwardness of WAY PRIOR KNOWLEDGE of my feelings for him.
Even though I feel it, it doesn't change that what was a gradual discovery for him was IN MY FACE way before. How he KNEW that it was IN MY FACE from before and never let on.

I don't think he likes me.

I think it was orchestrated by everyone around him, me, our friends and his own time & space in life. I don't want to make an effort anymore. It's only been 3 months.

The most important thing I have discovered about myself is that I hurt easy. No Xena-ness.

What about the pieces that are being ignored?

I wish we chilled.

OH DEAR LORRRRD!

I finally stopped being self-destructive AND SAID IT...
Waitinggg and feeling good about it!
hallelujah

primitive pain

I know I've been gone for AGES..
It seems like blogs are only done on sober days of alchoholic phases...

When love no.2 declared his arrival-I bitched at the thought to EVERYBODY...
BECAUSE I didnt want to feel again-I cant deal with feeling connected to ANYONE again-especially those who have to disappear from my life...

The super painful thing though is that its fun yet judgmental....though not judgmental to the other chics..the amount he criticizes me to my face makes me very insecure about all that is said behind my back...n I am also feeling desire..

BUT THIS YEAR he is TOTALLY not getting itt!

SO i feel foolish
ON TOP OF IT ALL...

MISERABLE IN FUN...SUX!

i am admitting it...im in LOVE.
propah....same intensity as the 1st two...
cant laugh about it anymore...can MOST DEFINATELY not cry about it anymore...
i will jst EMBRACE it and see where it goes....even if it is nowhere...
accepting and admiting is sooo much easier than fighting and pretending...
i know u're alll saying 'DUH!"
BUT WAIT TILL YOU'RE IN MY SINKING BOAT!